A Valentine to Marriage

 

Kay and I will be married 45 years in August. How can that be?  I'm only 18.  But it's true. I guess you can say with assurance: "45 years that's a long marriage". These days I would have thought "long marriage" was an oxymoron. We're inundated with reports of celebrities being married for a weekend or going from one marriage to another like Brad Pitt and Jennifer-or is it Angelina? Seemingly bouncing from bed to bed like Tom Cruise jumping off a couch. 

Not so according to a report in the Sunday NY Times recently. I will quote extensively from that report.

 

It's a lot easier to write one of these pieces if I use a lot of quotes-ya know? I learned that in high school. Remember getting an assignment to write a paper on the...what...French and Indian war? The first question to the teacher was "Teacher! How many words do you want?"  Thereby demonstrating to the teacher your intense dedication to the arts of study and education.

The Times article states in fact the rate of divorce has fallen by 25% since 1981. Further- more couples will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversaries than ever before? Okay-you're right, people do live longer today but still it's a good thing as Martha would say. For a thousand years marriage was valid if the couple simply exchanged words of consent.  Licenses were't required in England until 1754? Up until the early 19th century one third of all children were born to couples not legally married. Here's an eye-opener: the form of marriage approved by more societies through the ages was polygamy-one man and many women? Guys-where did we go wrong? (Ow? Just got a poke to the ribs ). Most surprising I guess, is that the region with the highest divorce rate is the Bible Belt

 

So marriage as we know it is new, historically speaking. It is not always easy as we marrieds can testify. I'm one of three brothers. There are 6 marriages among us. I'm responsible for just one? Where did I go wrong? (Ouch!  A left to the belly). I mean where did I go right?  There are arguments on both sides as to whether those who marry young are more successful than those who wait until their late 20s-30s or older. Kay and I met as young teens, 14-15. She said if she agreed to go out with me-I could date no other girls. I had never heard that rule before-I was 14. Was she right?  It's alright though. I'd been around. I had another girlfriend before-when I was 8. Kay and I have known each other for 52 years now and it's never been better.

We were boyfriend and girlfriend but more than that we were friends-best friends. To this day she is my best friend. We've been through a lot- for sure!  We grew up together; married; traveled the country and raised our kids. We?ve lost our parents; Kay?' beloved sister Joan and seen our children through serious illnesses. In the 1970s I went through a..uh.. second childhood I guess-to put it mildly. Thanks to Kay's patience and some friends I got back on the straight and narrow. I nearly lost it all.

 

So I'd be tempted to say marrying young is the best. Yet I have met people who would disagree and with good cause. A co-worker years ago said he was going to visit his father in th hospital. His parents were elderly and the father had suffered a stroke. Talking about his family he mentioned in passing that his mother only visited the hospital once. He explained that they had lived separate lives for years: the father in one end of the house the mother in the other. I have a friend now, in his 70s who is in the same type of relationship. So for some the single life is best. For others they are not, for whatever reason, in a good marriage. Ending it and moving on is perhaps the best solution .Counseling would help each to decide for themselves.

For Kay and I these are surely the best years of our lives? Our lives are full. At least once a week we visit the grand-twins, Sam and Emma age 4. We spoil them rotten and make a quick getaway. The parents have a week to straighten them out. We call it "payback". We cruise and socialize with our longtime friends. Most of our friends are "LTMs" (long time married). One couple has been married 51 years the others are in the 44-46 year bracket. We all have known each other 30+ years. We "party." I hasten to add our group membership in the "Swingers Club" lapsed years ago (just kidding).

 

Kay and I are like those teenagers we were long ago. We laugh a lot. Kay has the head for business; manages the household and... just about everything else. I ... uh..well I'm the chauffeur, gofer and entertainment-I guess. I had a good laugh on Kay the other day.

 

It was Sunday and we were getting dressed for church where we were celebrating the Chinese New Year. Our minister Rev. Sam Stone is from China and we have a number of Chinese congregants. Kay was in the bathroom putting on her makeup. I had a question so I knocked on the door. She opened it and there she stood, barefoot in this gorgeous red dress. (You wear red on the New Year). She had matching red lipstick and nail polish on her lil?toes and her hair all done. I blurted out: "You look great" which is barely a step above: "You look nice"  I should have gone with "gorgeous."

 

I started to ask my question when I noticed she was flossing her teeth. She continued to floss as I spoke. I couldn?t help myself I started to chuckle at this improbable sight: a lovely little Barbie Doll in red, knee-high to a pipsqueak, flossing and talking at the same time. She gave me that look-or should I say glare. She finished flossing and jammed the used floss into my hand-I kept laughing.

 

(PS- She bopped me on the head with the frying pan when she read this. I'm toast )