The holidays can frizzle more than they dazzle

Overscheduled? Exhausted? Broke? Then it must be Christmas.

In what should be a season of joy, too many Americans dread the excess and expense that the holiday brings. We're weary rather than uplifted, frenzied instead of fulfilled and strapped for cash rather than rich in gratitude.

"The myth in the last 50 years is that this is such a joyous time of year.
The reality is that for a lot of people this isn't necessarily a happy time. Over and over again I hear people say, 'I just dread Christmas,'" said Elaine St. James, author of "Simplify Your Christmas: 100 Ways to Reduce the Stress and Recapture the Joy of the Holidays" (Andrews McMeel Publishing, $15) as well as a host of other books outlining ways to slow down and smell the poinsettias.

"We have this image of the perfect mother providing the perfect holiday. Don't allow yourself to be bamboozled by that image. You can have a simple celebration and have it very meaningful without going overboard," said the Santa Barbara, Calif., writer and speaker.

Nearly 80 percent of Americans wish the holidays were less materialistic, according to the Center for a New American Dream, a national organization that works to enhance quality of life and conserve natural resources.

A 2005 telephone survey of 500 done by Widmeyer Research & Polling for the Tacoma Park, Md.-based New American Dream also revealed that 87 percent of Americans believe the Christmas season should be more about family and caring for others than getting gifts. More than 75 percent say kids are too greedy and the holiday season makes things worse.

It's very difficult to get something that kids like that is non-materialistic, say the folks at the New American Dream center.

They suggest paying attention to what your children like. If they like the theater, enroll them in a theater class. If they like tennis, give them an IOU saying you'll play tennis with them for some period of time."

Simplifying the holidays is not the same as organizing them, St. James said. "When you organize, you're just reshuffling the same heavy load. When you simplify, you actually eliminate a large chunk of it. Simplifying is not about learning how to do more in less time. It's about doing less so you'll enjoy it more."

If you derive joy from an activity, continue it, they stress. But if you dread it, find a way to alter it.

Once you decide on the holiday tasks you want to change - which can be as simple as paring down the Christmas card list or as hefty as skipping the big dinner at Aunt Ruth's - St. James suggests talking to your immediate family about it. If they agree, discuss it with your extended family.

"Eighty to 95 percent of them will buy into it. Often, they will say they wanted to cut back on gifts, but didn't want to be the one to suggest it. Once the idea is brought up, it's a relief," she said.

Establishing new family rituals is one way to emphasize togetherness while reducing commercialism.

Instead of buying a tree, one family that St. James knows planted an evergreen outside their dining room window. Every year the family strings cranberries and lights on the tree.

"Now they leave the lights on all year round. And they don't have ornaments to deal with, or needles in the rug."

H. Keith and Cheryl Jones of Springfield, Ill., are retired; their two grown children live on the West Coast. Every Thanksgiving, they take their small camper to a state park where they hike, enjoy the scenery and eat the holiday meal in the park's lodge.

"If you want the traditional turkey and dressing you may not get it. This year at Giant City (State Park in Makanda, Ill.) we'll have a family-style chicken dinner," said Keith.

"I don't want to be tied up in airports on the busiest traveling day of the year," said the retired tool-and-die maker. "Heavens no, it doesn't bother me not to do the traditional thing." In addition to state parks, the Joneses have spent various holidays on Florida beaches, at Western ski lodges and in the mountains of California. They visit their children at Christmas.

Other out-of-the-box family rituals:

Take a boat, train or balloon ride together.

Spend a day baking bread, cookies or a gingerbread house.

Study the Christmas traditions of other countries with your children. Pick a different country each year.

Adopt a road, park or other piece of land and commit to taking care of it. Clean it and recycle.

Volunteer as a family to give time to a charitable organization.

Draw names of extended family from a hat. Write a letter to that person, explaining why you like him and what you have learned from him.

For years, Dianne and Bill Kinzer of Springfield would visit her mother in Ohio with their children the week before Christmas. Her sister and brother-in-law would visit, too.

"We were in the kitchen the whole time, either cooking or cleaning up," Dianne said. So her mother decided to reduce kitchen chores by offering just two meals a day - a brunch at 10 a.m. and a dinner at 5 p.m.

"It worked out wonderfully," Dianne said. "We had time for games and shopping. We had such a good time."

St. James said starting with a small change can get the ball rolling. But be prepared to compromise.

"If someone wants the (Christmas) cards to go out, let them do it or at least help you with it. If someone insists on plum pudding at dinner, let that person make it."

Saving money is one idea that almost everyone likes.

Three in five of the New American Dream survey respondents said they incurred credit card debt during the holiday shopping season, and 32 percent said it took more than three months to pay it off. Fourteen percent are still paying it off as they start charging for this season's load of gifts.

The average family spends $1,200 to $1,500 each year on Christmas, St. James said.

So how can you get off that gift-wrapped treadmill?

Instead of buying a present, give a voucher for dog walking, car washing, baby-sitting, a lunch date or a massage. Or promise to teach someone how to play disc golf, swing dance, can tomatoes or make computer greeting cards.

Give a homemade gift: soaps, candles, a framed photo, a photo album, frozen homemade dinners or a family calendar marked with birthdays and anniversaries.

Instead of contributing to a child's toy chest, find her a pen pal. Adopt an animal at the zoo. Make a Web page for him. Write a story with her as the main character.

Cut your Christmas card list in half or enclose a note in this year's cards explaining that you will stop sending them next year.

Stop decorating the outside of the house.

Cut the menu for your holiday meal from 15 dishes to five.

Turn off the TV in December so you and your children won't be bombarded with ads.

Don't buy special holiday-themed china. Food will taste just as good on your everyday tableware and you won't have to find a place to store it.

If you dread out-of-town family members staying in your home, tell them this year that it has become too stressful. For next year, offer to book a motel room or arrange for them to stay with other relatives.

Don't accept every invitation you receive.

"The reason we find Christmas so stressful is that we don't have time for it," said St. James. "Moms are working outside the home and can't do Christmas like their moms and grandmothers did. So focus on what you like about the season. You won't go into debt, you won't eat so much, you won't clutter the house with stuff you don't need, and you'll have more time for what's important.

"What's the worst thing that would happen if you crossed off half the items on your list?" she asked. "It won't be the end of the world - and it might be the start of a new way of doing things."