Nighttime tranquility is often interrupted by annoying partner
By Anonymous Thursday, December 21, 2006, 12:02 AM EST
Every night millions of American couples enter a place filled with both promise and peril: the bedroom. Intimacy, warmth and security beckon - but so do snoring, blanket-hogging and flying elbows. How a couple learns to share a bed is something of a mystery; it's rarely discussed, let alone studied. Until now.
Paul Rosenblatt, a University of Minnesota sociologist, released a book on the subject, based on detailed interviews he did with 42 couples.
Long fascinated by everyday life - Rosenblatt has studied people as they watch TV and as they come home from work - he thinks there's meaning in the mundane.
BEDDED BLISS
So when it came to bed-sharing, he wasn't interested in only the sex. He wanted to know how they figured out which side of the bed to sleep on, how they decided whether to watch Jon Stewart or how they knew when it was OK to maneuver cold feet next to warm ones.
"If you want to understand couple relationships, the bed is the place to go," Rosenblatt said.
For most couples, it starts with a seemingly simple choice: which side of the bed to sleep on. Some have specific reasons for selecting one side or the other, while some couples don't.
"It just occurred naturally," said Amie Waller, describing how she and her husband, Scott King, picked sides in their bedroom. "We even end up mimicking our home sleeping setup when we travel. But it's an unconscious thing. We just gravitate to 'our' side."
In his book, "Two in a Bed," Rosenblatt covers a wide range of issues, including going-to-bed rituals, cuddling, temperature preferences, talking, restless legs and apnea.
Rosenblatt said he had no difficulty finding people to interview. They responded enthusiastically to solicitations played in Minnesota and Wisconsin's media, which suggested to Rosenblatt that he wasn't the only one who found the subject fascinating.
"I think people are trying to get some perspective on their own experiences," Rosenblatt said. "This isn't a subject many of us think very much about, or talk with others about, but many wonder if their frustrations and struggles are unusual."
Promised anonymity, only first names are used in the book, couples shared stories that Rosenblatt found revealing and frequently funny. Several talked about how they guard their "space" in bed so they can sleep more soundly.
"I'm good at jabbing him now, and he moves," Sarah said.
Another woman sprawls so much under the covers that her husband frequently finds himself pushed all the way to one edge. So he gets up, walks around to the other side and climbs in where there's more space.
Some couples prefer constant contact. Several like to "spoon," which means sleeping on their sides, one right behind the other. One had reduced the spooning to code: position "A" was when she was behind him, and "B" was the opposite. In the night, if one wanted to move to a different position, simply saying the letter out loud was the cue to shift.
Snoring is an issue for many couples. Some had a hard time working on solutions because the non-snoring spouse couldn't convince the other one that it was a problem. One wife ended up tape recording her husband to get proof.
Couples tried all sorts of fixes. Sometimes the non-snorer would go to bed first, hoping to fall into a deep sleep impervious to the noise.
Waller said she nudges her husband so he rolls over, or tries what she described as an old wives' tale cure: humming.
"It works," Waller insisted.
Rosenblatt said one wife got so frustrated by the snoring that she straddled her husband one night and started choking him.
"They were both laughing about it during our interview," Rosenblatt said.
One thing snoring didn't lead to, at least among the couples he surveyed, was divorce. But, he couldn't say the same for TV.
Most of the couples he interviewed kept a TV in the room. It occasionally became a source of friction when one partner wanted to watch and the other wanted to sleep; however, most worked around the problem.
"There was one woman who told me that her first husband insisted on having a TV in the bedroom, and he watched it a lot," Rosenblatt said. "She couldn't stand that. She needed him to stop, and he wouldn't. So she left him."
A San Diego couple, John and Leslie, sometimes deals with a different kind of racket: John talks in his sleep.
"He'll say things, and I ask him, 'Are you awake?'," said Leslie. "I've just learned to go with the flow."
Rosenblatt said the most surprising thing he learned from the project was how many people - 15 percent to 20 percent - believe sharing a bed saved their lives. Two men with diabetes went into shock. Their spouses detected them shaking and got help. A man whose wife had attempted suicide tied his wrist to hers so he would know if she was getting up to take sleeping pills. One spouse realized the other was having a stroke and dialed 911.
If, as health experts say, a good night's sleep is so important, why do so many couples put up with all the distractions involved in sharing a bed?
Part of it is cultural, Rosenblatt said. It's considered "normal." Some couples also cited the need for warmth - "Out in San Diego, it's not as much of an issue, but it's damn cold here," Rosenblatt said - as well as romance, security and comfort.
"A lot of couples say, 'This is my nest, this is my home,'" said Rosenblatt. "There is an intimacy they have with each other, and they cherish it. Even when there are disruptions, they say they sleep better when they are together."
Not all of couples, though. Some couples, when they get older, sleep in separate beds. One 69-year-old woman, Grace, told Rosenblatt she had made the switch after 50 years of marriage. She said she was tired of her husband's sexual advances in the middle of the night.
"I've done my duty," she said.
Rosenblatt asked the husband, Sam, 77, if he missed his wife's company.
"No," Sam said. "Just the nooky."
TAKING SIDES
There are probably sleeping partners in America who don't care what side of the bed they're on. But Paul Rosenblatt didn't run into any while researching his pioneering book, "Two in a Bed."
"Every couple I interviewed had sides," he said. "Sometimes it was a big issue the first night they were together, or when they traveled, but they all settled into a pattern of choosing one side or the other."
In his book, based on interviews with 42 couples, he lists eight reasons commonly cited for choosing where to sleep:
Precedent: Zack: "That's the side I slept on before I was married, so I suppose maybe that's what I liked afterward."
Claustrophobia: Shannon: "I just don't like being boxed in. So he gets the leftovers."
Safety: Dan: "I just feel more comfortable sleeping by the door, kind of a protective thing."
Bathroom trips: "In heterosexual couples where closeness to the bathroom was a factor, it was more often the woman who slept closer to the bathroom," said Rosenblatt.
First up: "The person who got up first (was) closer to the alarm and/or the door," Rosenblatt wrote. "Or, if the bed was against the wall, the person who got up first would be more likely to sleep on the side away from the wall."
The kids: Liz: "I'm the mom. I'm the protector of my children, and if something's going on, I want to be able to be close to the door."
Health issues: One side may be easier for someone with an injury in order to get out of bed, or reach an alarm clock or reading lamp, Rosenblatt noted. Some people also can sleep on only one side of their body. If they like to sleep facing their partner, that determines which side of the bed they choose.
Temperature: Donna: "He sleeps on the side closest to the window because he likes to sleep with the window open."
Paul Rosenblatt, a University of Minnesota sociologist, released a book on the subject, based on detailed interviews he did with 42 couples.
Long fascinated by everyday life - Rosenblatt has studied people as they watch TV and as they come home from work - he thinks there's meaning in the mundane.
BEDDED BLISS
"If you want to understand couple relationships, the bed is the place to go," Rosenblatt said.
For most couples, it starts with a seemingly simple choice: which side of the bed to sleep on. Some have specific reasons for selecting one side or the other, while some couples don't.
"It just occurred naturally," said Amie Waller, describing how she and her husband, Scott King, picked sides in their bedroom. "We even end up mimicking our home sleeping setup when we travel. But it's an unconscious thing. We just gravitate to 'our' side."
In his book, "Two in a Bed," Rosenblatt covers a wide range of issues, including going-to-bed rituals, cuddling, temperature preferences, talking, restless legs and apnea.
Rosenblatt said he had no difficulty finding people to interview. They responded enthusiastically to solicitations played in Minnesota and Wisconsin's media, which suggested to Rosenblatt that he wasn't the only one who found the subject fascinating.
"I think people are trying to get some perspective on their own experiences," Rosenblatt said. "This isn't a subject many of us think very much about, or talk with others about, but many wonder if their frustrations and struggles are unusual."
Promised anonymity, only first names are used in the book, couples shared stories that Rosenblatt found revealing and frequently funny. Several talked about how they guard their "space" in bed so they can sleep more soundly.
"I'm good at jabbing him now, and he moves," Sarah said.
Another woman sprawls so much under the covers that her husband frequently finds himself pushed all the way to one edge. So he gets up, walks around to the other side and climbs in where there's more space.
Some couples prefer constant contact. Several like to "spoon," which means sleeping on their sides, one right behind the other. One had reduced the spooning to code: position "A" was when she was behind him, and "B" was the opposite. In the night, if one wanted to move to a different position, simply saying the letter out loud was the cue to shift.
Snoring is an issue for many couples. Some had a hard time working on solutions because the non-snoring spouse couldn't convince the other one that it was a problem. One wife ended up tape recording her husband to get proof.
Couples tried all sorts of fixes. Sometimes the non-snorer would go to bed first, hoping to fall into a deep sleep impervious to the noise.
Waller said she nudges her husband so he rolls over, or tries what she described as an old wives' tale cure: humming.
"It works," Waller insisted.
Rosenblatt said one wife got so frustrated by the snoring that she straddled her husband one night and started choking him.
"They were both laughing about it during our interview," Rosenblatt said.
One thing snoring didn't lead to, at least among the couples he surveyed, was divorce. But, he couldn't say the same for TV.
Most of the couples he interviewed kept a TV in the room. It occasionally became a source of friction when one partner wanted to watch and the other wanted to sleep; however, most worked around the problem.
"There was one woman who told me that her first husband insisted on having a TV in the bedroom, and he watched it a lot," Rosenblatt said. "She couldn't stand that. She needed him to stop, and he wouldn't. So she left him."
A San Diego couple, John and Leslie, sometimes deals with a different kind of racket: John talks in his sleep.
"He'll say things, and I ask him, 'Are you awake?'," said Leslie. "I've just learned to go with the flow."
Rosenblatt said the most surprising thing he learned from the project was how many people - 15 percent to 20 percent - believe sharing a bed saved their lives. Two men with diabetes went into shock. Their spouses detected them shaking and got help. A man whose wife had attempted suicide tied his wrist to hers so he would know if she was getting up to take sleeping pills. One spouse realized the other was having a stroke and dialed 911.
If, as health experts say, a good night's sleep is so important, why do so many couples put up with all the distractions involved in sharing a bed?
Part of it is cultural, Rosenblatt said. It's considered "normal." Some couples also cited the need for warmth - "Out in San Diego, it's not as much of an issue, but it's damn cold here," Rosenblatt said - as well as romance, security and comfort.
"A lot of couples say, 'This is my nest, this is my home,'" said Rosenblatt. "There is an intimacy they have with each other, and they cherish it. Even when there are disruptions, they say they sleep better when they are together."
Not all of couples, though. Some couples, when they get older, sleep in separate beds. One 69-year-old woman, Grace, told Rosenblatt she had made the switch after 50 years of marriage. She said she was tired of her husband's sexual advances in the middle of the night.
"I've done my duty," she said.
Rosenblatt asked the husband, Sam, 77, if he missed his wife's company.
"No," Sam said. "Just the nooky."
TAKING SIDES
There are probably sleeping partners in America who don't care what side of the bed they're on. But Paul Rosenblatt didn't run into any while researching his pioneering book, "Two in a Bed."
"Every couple I interviewed had sides," he said. "Sometimes it was a big issue the first night they were together, or when they traveled, but they all settled into a pattern of choosing one side or the other."
In his book, based on interviews with 42 couples, he lists eight reasons commonly cited for choosing where to sleep:
Precedent: Zack: "That's the side I slept on before I was married, so I suppose maybe that's what I liked afterward."
Claustrophobia: Shannon: "I just don't like being boxed in. So he gets the leftovers."
Safety: Dan: "I just feel more comfortable sleeping by the door, kind of a protective thing."
Bathroom trips: "In heterosexual couples where closeness to the bathroom was a factor, it was more often the woman who slept closer to the bathroom," said Rosenblatt.
First up: "The person who got up first (was) closer to the alarm and/or the door," Rosenblatt wrote. "Or, if the bed was against the wall, the person who got up first would be more likely to sleep on the side away from the wall."
The kids: Liz: "I'm the mom. I'm the protector of my children, and if something's going on, I want to be able to be close to the door."
Health issues: One side may be easier for someone with an injury in order to get out of bed, or reach an alarm clock or reading lamp, Rosenblatt noted. Some people also can sleep on only one side of their body. If they like to sleep facing their partner, that determines which side of the bed they choose.
Temperature: Donna: "He sleeps on the side closest to the window because he likes to sleep with the window open."
