'Hell' is for ... Audiences that are Cursed
By Nina Garin Friday, August 15, 2008, 05:44 AM EDT
"Hell Ride"
How bad is "Hell Ride"? Put it this way: During a free screening I was tempted to storm out and demand money.
On the plus side, this throwback to the biker films of the late 1960s, when audiences were encouraged to participate by getting as high as the characters on the screen, did provoke viewers to get into the retro spirit by booing during the credits. This isn't a drive-in movie; it's a drive-you-out movie.
Also on the plus side, "Hell Ride" clocks in at a merciful 85 minutes and has a nifty spaghetti-Western-style poster. Skip the movie, and instead see the poster.
Written, directed and posed in by Larry Bishop (son of Rat-Packer Joey Bishop), the film pays homage to directors like Joe Solomon, Al Adamson and Roger Corman, who made B-movie bank with angel-obsessed and yet surprisingly non-religious movies like "All the Fallen Angels," "Angels' Wild Women" and "The Wild Angels." The latter film was so pointless and nihilistic that the Hells Angels sued for defamation of character.
"Hell Ride" has even less to do with actual motorcycle gangs. Its story takes place in a self-referential bubble that repels reality along with any reason to care. Call it "The Ugly, the Ugly and the Ugly": None of the characters is remotely likable or virtuous.
Yes, that's the point, but Bishop makes it wearying where it should be fun. You know a movie is bad when even its peyote-eating hallucination sequence seems drab, and the repeated eye candy of well-breasted naked women starts turning into a sugar headache.
Much of the blame goes to Quentin Tarantino, who executive-produced this latest foray into Nostalgia for Amateurism (his last was the tedious "Death Proof"). "Hell Ride" was born on the set of Tarantino's "Kill Bill" and contains many of its actors, including Bishop, the ever-squinting Michael Madsen and David Carradine (son of biker-movie king John Carradine), who probably signed on to break up the monotony of doing Tums commercials.
Bishop does everything he can to emulate Tarantino's "that's not dialogue, it's typing" style, including turning all his characters into mouthpieces for his own hyperactive babbling. At least Tarantino's characters get amusing pop-culture rants, like treatises on why Superman's the only superhero who's truly himself while in tights. Bishop, lacking even anything superficial to say, instead makes characters spew theme-based idioms, such as, "It's business as usual, so let's get down to business, even though it's none of your business." Larry Bishop: worst screenwriter in show business.
The film also stars Dennis Hopper, another Tarantino veteran ("True Romance") with a biker-movie background — some little cultural touchstone called "Easy Rider." During a recent talk-show appearance, Hopper described "Hell Ride" as a "midnight romp." He was being too kind. I can think of much more diverting things to do at midnight, like writing polite letters to congressional representatives.
Hopper zooms around in a motorcycle with an empty sidecar that inadvertently symbolizes the film. Meanwhile, Madsen shoots people in the head, Carradine loses his head and Bishop — whose goofy devil-goatee reminds one of Garth Brooks embarrassing himself as alter-ego Chris Gaines — slits people's throats in gory close-up while speaking like he needs to clear his own.
"Hell Ride." Rated: R. Running time: 1 hour, 25 minutes. 0 stars — a dog.
