Vacation Relations
By William Moyers Saturday, May 15, 2010, 08:26 AM EDT
Spring is sprung, and summer isn't far behind. So what happens to vacation celebrations when addiction gets in the way?
Dear Mr. Moyers: For our son's high-school graduation, we've planned all year to celebrate with a family trip to Disney World. The problem is my husband. He is a Vietnam vet with post-traumatic stress disorder whose drinking is really starting to take a toll on us now. He needs help; he wants help. We want him to get help. He's actually set to go into treatment, but we just learned from the rehab center that it won't be complete before we are scheduled to go on this vacation. What comes first, treatment or this long-awaited (and expensive) family vacation? — Marjorie L., Silver Spring, Md.
Dear Marjorie: Your dilemma is shared by many who just cannot see their way to put family plans on hold so that the addict or alcoholic gets help. Part of this stems from a misunderstanding with the illness; too many people think it is only a question of self-will or changing "bad habits" and don't realize that addiction is a chronic illness that is best addressed through professional help. Families also get frustrated by the toll the addict takes on all of them, so their patience and tolerance are thin to start with. But ask yourself this: Would you postpone your vacation if your husband needed treatment for cancer? Of course, because you would want him to get well as soon as possible. Besides, his drinking probably would wreck your best-laid plans and hopes anyway. He needs help now. Stay home now and make plans to go later, or leave him behind this time while he's safely in treatment. Either way, everyone will have a better time.
Sometimes, though, the addict can't stay at home. And shouldn't.
Dear Mr. Moyers: I am getting married in June. It will be an especially wonderful day for my new husband and me because I stopped drinking last year and haven't wanted to drink ever since. (He came close to calling it all off before I stopped.) We've decided to eliminate the open bar and wine at the reception. Do you think we need to notify the guests and explain why? Also, our honeymoon is supposed to be at a resort in the Caribbean where we've spent happy times in the past, happy times that included a lot of alcohol. Now I am worried about going back there and staying sober. Do you think I should? — Elisabeth T., Canton, Ohio
Dear Elisabeth: You owe nobody an explanation. It's their problem if they expect alcohol at your reception. You aren't responsible for their good time or disappointment. It's your wedding. But you can help them forget about the booze by serving great food that exceeds expectation. Take the money you save on the drinks and add it to a couple of choice items on the menu. Extra dessert always helps, too. And about your honeymoon destination: If you are committed to your recovery, you can go just about anywhere. Marriage is a time to start anew. You quickly will replace the memories of those old drinking days with new experiences you'll remember because you won't have been drinking. Pack some recovery-oriented books, and call your support contacts back home if you get tempted. You also will have a great supporter along: the groom.
William Moyers is the vice president of foundation relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org.
Dear Mr. Moyers: For our son's high-school graduation, we've planned all year to celebrate with a family trip to Disney World. The problem is my husband. He is a Vietnam vet with post-traumatic stress disorder whose drinking is really starting to take a toll on us now. He needs help; he wants help. We want him to get help. He's actually set to go into treatment, but we just learned from the rehab center that it won't be complete before we are scheduled to go on this vacation. What comes first, treatment or this long-awaited (and expensive) family vacation? — Marjorie L., Silver Spring, Md.
Dear Marjorie: Your dilemma is shared by many who just cannot see their way to put family plans on hold so that the addict or alcoholic gets help. Part of this stems from a misunderstanding with the illness; too many people think it is only a question of self-will or changing "bad habits" and don't realize that addiction is a chronic illness that is best addressed through professional help. Families also get frustrated by the toll the addict takes on all of them, so their patience and tolerance are thin to start with. But ask yourself this: Would you postpone your vacation if your husband needed treatment for cancer? Of course, because you would want him to get well as soon as possible. Besides, his drinking probably would wreck your best-laid plans and hopes anyway. He needs help now. Stay home now and make plans to go later, or leave him behind this time while he's safely in treatment. Either way, everyone will have a better time.
Sometimes, though, the addict can't stay at home. And shouldn't.
Dear Mr. Moyers: I am getting married in June. It will be an especially wonderful day for my new husband and me because I stopped drinking last year and haven't wanted to drink ever since. (He came close to calling it all off before I stopped.) We've decided to eliminate the open bar and wine at the reception. Do you think we need to notify the guests and explain why? Also, our honeymoon is supposed to be at a resort in the Caribbean where we've spent happy times in the past, happy times that included a lot of alcohol. Now I am worried about going back there and staying sober. Do you think I should? — Elisabeth T., Canton, Ohio
Dear Elisabeth: You owe nobody an explanation. It's their problem if they expect alcohol at your reception. You aren't responsible for their good time or disappointment. It's your wedding. But you can help them forget about the booze by serving great food that exceeds expectation. Take the money you save on the drinks and add it to a couple of choice items on the menu. Extra dessert always helps, too. And about your honeymoon destination: If you are committed to your recovery, you can go just about anywhere. Marriage is a time to start anew. You quickly will replace the memories of those old drinking days with new experiences you'll remember because you won't have been drinking. Pack some recovery-oriented books, and call your support contacts back home if you get tempted. You also will have a great supporter along: the groom.
William Moyers is the vice president of foundation relations for the Hazelden Foundation and the author of "Broken," his best-selling memoirs, and "A New Day, A New Life." Please send your questions to William Moyers at wmoyers@hazelden.org.
